We all know the feeling where every turn down a new road looks like the last and as if you have been there before.  This is Mackenzie and me, déjà vu followed by déjà vu. A feeling we have always been but every turn is new.  From dating to splitting up, from getting engaged and married to other people to reconnecting from the rubble, from a new year’s shot in the dark to that deep sense you are where you belong; it was Mackenzie.

            Even though we grew up down the street from one another we did not meet until our mutual passion for horses crossed our paths in our teenage years.  Being cordial and friendly was all it was as we only saw each other sporadically at a horse show here or a horse show there.  Thankfully I found my chance to bond over a hunt coat design only Mackenzie could wear, thank god for that coat.  From there we spent more and more time together at horseshows and in between.  We were both interested in one another and also we were interesting to one another, a subtle but not common combination.  Every day together felt new and exciting coupled with feeling we had always been here. 

Long distance relationships are taxing and I made the incredibly stupid but also potentially extremely fortuitous decision to break up.  I had tried distance relationships in the past and unfortunately Mackenzie got the jaded Karl at that time in our lives.  Looking back I can only imagine the pain I caused and I wish I had handled things differently.  I was haunted and wanted to undo what I had done.  Unfortunately I was too late and Mackenzie had found someone else, I mean come on she is kind of like the greatest person ever so that makes sense.  But I was too late, oh the soul crushing regret.

We were living separate lives and giving it all we had. We both got engaged, to other people, and I got married to super not the right person.  Neither of us thought we would be here during this time and why would you.  I remember vividly every time I was at a horse show where Teal was as well I would always ask her how Mackenzie was doing.  It was one of those questions you feel impelled to ask with out really thinking about it.  It was as though whatever Teal’s answer was brought me that warm feeling of something I knew and looked back fondly on. 

I know our story is a bit, ‘yeah yeah lets get to the fun part;’ well shut your trap I am setting the stage for the violent convulsions which lend to few fuck it moments and now were getting married, GOSH!!  Well I bet you can guess both of our previous relationships did not work out or our wedding would be an episode of sister wives, which thankfully it is not. 

Looking back it is not lost on us how many things had to happen with very particular timing to get us to the point of déjà vu.  My parents had a ranch party about three weeks after my marriage imploded.  They had to have the party over two nights with Mackenzie conveniently able to talk to a very close friend of mine at the first night while I only went to the second.  Mackenzie’s mom Stacy needed to have her boyfriend out of town so she would invite Mackenzie, thank you so much Jake for not being able to make it, seriously.  For how important that party is to our story nothing happened in the aftermath at all except a condolences text from Mackenzie (I never responded) and a very important seed of curiosity was planted.  Oh man how the tiniest of seeds grow to unbelievable heights.

Fast forward four months and I was faking Covid so I could stay home with my pit bull and my horses and not have to see family, it was a weird time for me, don’t judge.  Unknowingly this was fortuitous as it left me with no plans after Christmas right as Mackenzie was left home alone in Cabo after her family left.  The seed is growing guys! For some reason Mackenzie out of the blue reached out to me in the days leading up to new years and invited me down to Cabo.  This is why Mackenzie and I are dragging you to Cabo, symbolism.  Seriously though I had not spoken to Mackenzie for six years!  What an experiment Mackenzie was running.  Thank god for Mackenzie’s insatiable curiosity.  After faking Covid to avoid family I figured what’s a surprise trip to Cabo to see a girl I hadn’t seen in six years. 

Obviously I had no idea what to expect and more critically I had no idea we were on those rare roads where each turn is a mystery until you see where the turn points you. When I arrived at the house Mackenzie looked exactly as I remembered and while trying to look normal as a tsunami of déjà vu flooded my head.  Everything was how I remembered, we were both interesting to one another and interested.

I wish I could tell you, ‘and then we lived happily ever after.’ Sorry I cannot.  You have to read about more twists and Mackenzie’s unwavering strength before that.  Even with a great therapist I was still working to repair a lot of damage, I couldn’t commit, look sometimes you have to make mistake twice or more before you learn.  Or at least that is what I am telling myself.  One month later Mackenzie flew to a horse show and the more real everything was the more I pushed away.  We went to Cabo again in April and still I couldn’t.  Unbeknownst to me the road was in its final turn.

I was at a horse show, I know its like the ‘at band camp’ reference from American pie, I get it.  Mackenzie, in the clearest language known made her feelings crystal clear. Then we rode off into the sunset….haha no not yet.  I bet you can guess my reaction.  Déjà vu, I said in response ‘I couldn’t do a distance relationship!!’  I am sorry to put you through the pain of my stupidity but I said we were in the final turn so here we go.  I was alone at this horse show which gave me tons of time to reflect on my response to Mackenzie.  I hid behind the excuse of distance once before, what more could Mackenzie do?  Why was she still interested in me, seriously, could I be more of a dick.  After a few days of ‘dust in the wind’ playing in my head I finally saw the end of the turn.  I do not know why it took me so so long to see it.  It was and always will be Mackenzie. 

Every day has the déjà vu from the day before while concurrently being completely new, interesting and exciting.  Thru incredible time, unbelievable luck, and your overpowering perseverance we are here.  Mackenzie you are my everything and I can’t wait for every day in the future because of you.